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Sisters learning from older sisters

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"The aged women likewise, that they be in behaviour as becometh holiness, not false accusers, not given to much wine, teachers of good things;

That they may teach the young women to be sober, to love their husbands, to love their children,

To be discreet, chaste, keepers at home, good, obedient to their own husbands, that the word of The Most High be not blasphemed."

 

(Titus 2:3-5 KJV)

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Our Titus 2 passage tells older women to train the younger women in several areas. 

 

This means that all women must be teachable, because there is always someone older than you from who you can learn. 

 

This also means that you must teach sisters younger than you, the good things that you have learned.

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This also means that you are never to old to learn.

 

This also means that you must improve every day; you are not a finished product. 

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It is interesting to note that the list starts and ends with how one is to behave toward her husband.  In verse 4, the older woman is told to train the younger woman to love her husband, and in verse 5, she is told to train the younger woman to be submissive to her husband.  We will get to that very controversial topic of submission in future sessions.   The following summarizes about what it means biblically for a wife to love her husband:

 

For starters, let’s take a moment to break Titus 2:4 down a bit.  It says that the older woman is to “train” the younger woman to love her husband.  Have you ever thought about what this tells us?  Training is the process of bringing a person to an expected standard of proficiency by practice and instruction.  The Greek word translated as “train” means to “make of sound mind” (via correction).  We don’t need training for something that we’ve already mastered, so we can conclude from this passage that loving one’s husband according to The Most High’s expectations does not come naturally!  What does come naturally, because of our sinful nature, is the desire to always have our own way and our own authority, with little to no regard for anyone else.  To love in the way in which we are called to love, is to be willing to work diligently against our natural sinful tendencies with the help of the Holy Spirit. This love requires work and fine-tuning over the course of a marriage.

 

So, then – what does this love look like?  Does it look like the burning passion portrayed to us by Hollywood?  Well, I would never suggest that we leave physical intimacy out of the equation because that is an important part of the package, but it is not what the Bible is talking about when it says that a woman must be trained to love her husband.  It is talking about having a friendly, brotherly kind of affection towards him.  It is talking about a familial love that “likes” as much as it loves!  It is a cherishing kind of love.

 

Without this one thing, a wife’s love for her husband will surely fall short of The Most High’s glory and design.

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Ephesians 5:22-33 is probably the most well-known passage about husbands and wives in the Bible.  Often the focus is on the first part of the passage (the wives submitting and the husbands loving their wives as Yahusha loves the church), but for now we will only look at the final verse in the passage – verse 33:

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“Nevertheless let every one of you in particular so love his wife even as himself; and the wife see that she reverence her husband.”

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This is a verse that contains much to consider.  Dr. Emerson Eggerichs has written a book based on Ephesians 5:33 called “Love and Respect”, and in it he talks about a woman’s need for love from her husband, and a husband’s need for respect from his wife.  The fact that this verse in Ephesians even exists speaks to the fact that the husbands and wives to whom Paul was writing were not meeting these needs for each other.  The husbands of the day were not loving their wives well, and the wives of the day were not showing respect for their husbands (this is not at all surprising given the cultural backdrop in Crete at the time of Paul’s letter to Titus – but more on that next time).

Eggerichs suggests that many of our marriage problems today can be blamed on a failure of the husband and wife to abide by these commands to love and respect.  I believe there is often more to it than that, and that unloving and disrespectful behaviours are manifestations of root sins like selfishness and pride, but I think the framework he uses can be a helpful starting place for considering whether or not we are truly living out this verse in our lives.  He talks about couples getting caught in “The Crazy Cycle” :

 

This can start small and quickly snowball out of control.  You’ve probably experienced it – at least on a small scale.  Maybe your husband leaves his dirty clothes on the floor right beside the hamper and it drives you crazy.  “Can’t you just carry them ten more inches?!  Honestly, how hard is that?!?!”.  It exasperates you that he would not be willing to do this one little thing that would save you a little bit of work, and your tone communicates this loud and clear.  To you, it seems unloving.  But is it really?  Did he get up this morning and say to himself, “My mission today is to be unloving to my wife…hmmmm….how can I accomplish this?  I know!  I can start by dropping my dirty clothes on the floor!  And after that, I’ll find even MORE ways to be unloving!”   No, for him, it might just be a simple case of absent-mindedness.  Acknowledging this doesn’t mean he gets a free pass to leave his clothes strewn across the house.  But was he really TRYING to be unloving?  Not likely.  Did you perceive it as unloving?  Yes, and you reacted by speaking to him disrespectfully.  How do you think he’s likely to respond to that?  Has your condescending approach motivated him to be more loving toward you?  Or will he call you a nag and walk off?  You can see where this is going.  You react without respect, he reacts without love.

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1 Peter 3:1-2 also acknowledges the importance of a wife respecting her husband:

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“… wives, be in subjection to your own husbands; that, if any obey not the word, they also may without the word be won by the conversation of the wives;”

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If you read this passage carefully, you will see a hard truth about respect.  It tells us that even in the case of wives whose husbands are not obedient to the word (perhaps not believers at all), they are to conduct themselves in a respectful way.  That means a wife must behave respectfully towards her husband even when he doesn’t deserve it!  And yes, that may seem impossible to do, but The Most High never mandates something without also facilitating it.  He is willing and able to equip you to carry out this command, and to remind you that you do so first and foremost in submission to the One who loved you while you were yet lost in your own sin.

 

So how does a wife communicate this respect to her husband?  Much of it comes down to appreciating him in his roles as man, husband, and father.  It was a creation mandate for man to work, protect, and lead.  But in a society where so much emphasis is placed on female independence and prowess, it can be easy for husbands to feel like they are not needed or valued for their ability to provide for the family.  In fact, a society like ours succeeds in enabling men to shed their responsibilities as leaders, providers and protectors of their families.  Whether you are a wife who works outside of the home or not, let your husband know that his work is important and that you appreciate the effort he makes for the family.  This may be an especially sensitive area for families where the wife is earning a higher income than the husband, or where the wife is employed and the husband is not.  Be careful even in the way you use humour – it may seem like nothing to make a joke about the wife “wearing the pants in the family”, but it undermines his The Most High-given role and is a sign of disrespect whether or not it is intended as such.

 

When it comes to leadership, I think we have arrived at an interesting place in time.  Women who are exploring what The Most Highly womanhood looks like are realizing that part of that package is being willing to submit to the leadership of a The Most Highly man.  And then she runs into a problem – she can’t find a man who understands that he is to be the spiritual leader in the relationship, much less find one who knows how to lead.  Why is that?  Well, I think that at least in part what we are seeing is the result of the negative aspects of feminism infiltrating the church.  For years now there has been such a push for women to adopt the roles of men (in the name of equality), that the men have moved over and signed out.  If we want our men to serve and lead, we need to let them serve and lead!  That doesn’t mean that the woman loses her will or her voice – it just means she doesn’t steal his!

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In more general terms, I think that a big part of a woman loving and respecting her husband lies in her commitment to being a good and faithful companion who is passionately devoted to living out Philippians 2:3-8:

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"Let nothing be done through strife or vainglory; but in lowliness of mind let each esteem other better than themselves.

Look not every man on his own things, but every man also on the things of others.

Let this mind be in you, which was also in Yahusha:

Who, being in the form of God, thought it not robbery to be equal with God:

But made himself of no reputation, and took upon him the form of a servant, and was made in the likeness of men:

And being found in fashion as a man, he humbled himself, and became obedient unto death, even the death of the cross.”

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In practice, that means not reacting disrespectfully.  It means holding your tongue when you feel like lashing out or belittling.  It means not talking behind his back, or making him look bad in front of others (including your children).  It means supporting him in his roles as husband and father, even in the tough times.  It means cherishing your marriage and guarding your heart when you’re around other men.  It means being in prayer for him.  It means being available to him in every way – physically, sexually, emotionally and spiritually.  It means seeking his forgiveness when you’ve done him wrong.  It means pleading with The Most High to grant you the humility you need to be a servant after Yahusha’s own heart.

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We must fix our eyes upon The Most High. We can’t possibly function well as Daughters of Sarah in a marriage relationship if we are not putting our relationship with The Most High first.  When we love The Most High above all, He will extend to us His grace, and He will enable us to overcome our sinful tendencies so that we can love and respect our husbands as we ought.